Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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