you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
