I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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