I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
