Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
