Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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