how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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