Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
