Im at strip club and am horny
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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