so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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