Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
