My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
