I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
