Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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