Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
