I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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