Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
