My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
