I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
