No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
