Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
this hospital has no fireball
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
