I am in a vortex of obligation.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
