she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
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