I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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