I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
no you cant smoke seaweed
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
