I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
