Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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