I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
