I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
