Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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