Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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