why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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