I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
