if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
