Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
