Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
