the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
