its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You pole danced in your parka.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
