I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
