i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
