final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
