Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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