forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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