That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
