I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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