4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
