Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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