That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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