It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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