what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
