I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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