I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
