Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i think my cat just said my name.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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