2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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